You know those stories where every one of the main characters go through hell and all come out alive? Sure you do. The writer puts the hero and his/her sidekick,...
(not much of a stretch since I didn’t really post this year, hahahahaha)
Many of you may know I’ve spent the last far-too-long in a depressed funk. Haven’t been writing. Haven’t been sewing. Haven’t been creating much of anything at all for well over a year, maybe two. Heck, even my cooking has become boring and routine, and I’m sick of it. I’m naturally creative—a writer, a quilter, an artist. I used to take walks at night under the stars. Used to go to movies because I love movies. Used to do a lot of things I just don’t do anymore.
Enough of that shit. Life’s too short to slump around in a funk, right?
So, last spring, I set up a meeting with my primary care physician to discuss my mental state and my inability to create, which only made things worse. We both agreed I needed help and she had me meet with a specialist to discuss my next steps and medication, which I really didn’t want to do. I’ve been on depression meds before —Paxil, Zoloft, Effexor, Lexapro, Wellbutrin, Cymbalta—and none of them worked for me. Side effects totally sucked and none of them helped my mental state. Some made it worse.
But the specialist ran some mental-health questions by me and she asked (quite nicely and with great understanding, I might add) if I’d try something different. Medications for PTSD and Anxiety, not depression.
So I did. Been on the stuff since last March or April and I finally understand why people who love their depression meds refuse to give them up.
For the first time in my whole adult life, I can SLEEP. Real, honest to goodness SLEEP. Without nightmares, without waking up screaming. As someone who’d trained herself to sleep for 20 minutes then wake up to avoid the certain-to-happen nightmare this has been a godsend. I just snuggle into my pillow and SLEEP, not lay there for hours and hours, heart pounding and afraid to close my eyes.
Sleep is AWESOME, btw, and dreaming is pretty cool too.
I was also assigned a trauma specialist for psychotherapy (the amazing Ms. A) and I’ve been seeing her every week since April. She’s my third therapist (had my first one twice) and she’s also younger than me (the other two were older). She, too, is AWESOME.
Once she cleared out a hefty hunk of brain glop, Ms. A set to work getting my creativity back. I get written assignments and shit, which most people (apparently) write like half a dozen notations in list form while I’ll hand in a multi-page rant that rambles far off topic, or she’ll give me specific to-do tasks like ‘set up an Etsy shop’ – which I did complete with a kick-ass banner image – and ‘order some damned business cards’ – which I absolutely did not. Yet. Because I don’t know what to put on them.
Hey, I can type up pretty much ANYTHING but I’m not spending money until I know exactly what I want to put on the goddamn things. Which I don’t. So nyah.
Btw, we both cuss and it’s lovely. She also calls me on my bullshit, and that’s lovely too. Let my unicorn hands fly!!! <3
This woman is literally saving my life. Bill’s never met her and already loves her.
I need to figure out what the flip I’m putting on my swanky new business cards and get them ordered because A says I have to.
Check back next weekend to see if I’ve done that and if not feel free to stand alongside A and remind me.
Yo, Tam, order the damn business cards already, willya? (insert unicorn hands here, please)
Reminder to me: When I do that, ALSO order a banner for writer events like you’ve been MEANING TO DO FOR LIKE FIVE GODDAMN YEARS NOW, TAM!
Ahem. (more unicorn hands – it’s become my favorite gesture this past couple of months)
I started a book* a few months back. I’m gonna daily-word-count-goal my way through it because I’m sick of it sitting there, half done, and staring at me.
I’ve also sewn several quilts these last couple of months and have made three patterns for them, so far, with two more patterns started and about half a dozen more conceptualized.
I bought a planner just for book writing, publishing, and marketing crap, along with quilt-patterns-for-profit crap. And other businessy crap. Because I lose track of things if I don’t write them down, especially businessy things. Because BLERGH.
Creativity: super-cool-fun-times. Business: BLERGH.
BLERGH. (flash of unicorn hands)
I picked up a book titled Do One Thing Every Day That Inspires You and I’m going to regularly work my way through it. Might even post some of the results, should I feel inclined to do so, which is actually more likely to happen than not because…
I AM GOING TO BLOG ON A SCHEDULE.
There, I said it.
Gotta quit fucking around, as A and Bill and pretty much everyone in my life (including me) keep reminding me. If I want the things I want and to achieve the things I need to achieve, I gotta quit fucking around.
So. Blogging at LEAST twice a week starting Jan 1. Stay tuned, there’s no telling how bonky things might get as I make myself blog, but I’m willing to bet I’ll be flipping my unicorn hands at my computer monitor on a regular basis.
Here’s looking forward to a fun and productive 2018! <3
*Don’t get too excited, it’s not Dubric anything, but there is a Dubric (well, Lars) graphic novel currently being illustrated! More about that in another post. 🙂